Pandemonium state of mind.
On Wednesday 8th of August 2012, I received a letter that I had hoped would come. I had been accepted to Kenyatta University to pursue my Bachelors degree, a dream come true. I was to report in September and I could feel the excitement coursing through my body. I was finally going to join the university!
I settled in fast. My friends made this possible as they had been there longer. The long treks to class begun and many times I lost my way through the thick maze of the campus. Towards the end of the semester, I had mastered most of my way around.
The more I begun to enjoy my freedom, the deeper I sank into the situationship I was in. I had a lover boyfriend and I was in a relationship that I did not know! Yet, I behaved in every manner to suggest that he was my guy. I had tried to call it off… “—and I made myself clear that I didn’t think I was ready for a relationship now… we continued talking and he made it very clear that he was interested in me…” (2/06/12)
Whatever my actions, they did not agree with what my tongue insisted on saying. Life got busy. Classes, CATs, exams and I was through with my first semester in college. I felt lost.
“—as I write I’m in a state of subtle regret, a point where I’m not really sure where I am as a christian. A stage whereby I know I need help and I want to be helped, a place where I am realizing it is very possible to forget words of wisdom and life’s old lessons, a point of knowing it is not hard to lie to cover things up to protect myself….” (17/12/12). I consoled myself that at least I had not gone so far like others I knew. I had not had sex- YET!
You see, I was wrong to think that one can sin partially. I was gradually teaching myself to believe things were not so bad so long as I can still remain a virgin. But, the thing with virginity is, it is a bare minimum. It is not how much your hymen has been broken- or not. It goes deeper to my phone chats and text messages, the movies I watch and my ungodly desires. It goes to the spirit and the mind- and my mind was rotten. So intense was the rot that it provided the necessary humus to make my head a relevant breeding and sowing ground for lust. My lust was epic! It had a pattern to it, the last thing that sent me to slumber and the first wave that hit me at dawn.
We never stop growing. The only difference is in the direction we grow.
I dressed up and went for the C.U service at sz 39. I took my place close to where the executive board sits (holy of holies). I watched as the rest of the congregation sang and prayed. The God I had once known so intimately felt foreign. I was only left with a shell of a memory. The painful truth is, “Church attendance doesn’t equal a relationship with Jesus or even a changed life as a christian. Just because I walk into a wedding venue, doesn’t mean that I am married.” (Heather Lindsey)
Something had changed in me. Sin was changing me gradually but surely. At one point, I had believed that I was in control so instead of fleeing, I flirted with sin. I snuggled next to it. We danced together with it around the edges. After all, I wasn’t doing anything (so) wrong.
I got tired. The lies, the cover ups…. I had once known God but I now knew about him. I felt hopeless and cheated. Cheated that I would just pick it up with God from where we had left off. By now, I was well acquainted with the kisses and making out. I changed boyfriends faster than it was allowed to change clothes. My heart was bleeding and God was a story I once heard a long time ago.
My heart within me rages, like the waters in a fall
Crying to be free from wages, and hearken to the call
Been down for a while now, and in need for someone to hold me up
And often I do cow, like a babe in a trap”
——– (14th /03/2014)
I had sunk into an abyss. It had all begun with a call that lasted 3hrs 43min 23sec.
I couldn’t help smiling as I recollected all this. It all felt like so long ago now. It is different now, never better! My mourning turned into gladness, ashes to beauty, such a radiance within my heart that it is infectious to those around me.
The Lord has been my strength and although the way up was harder than going downwards, the lessons have been worth while. Toby Sumpter says, “In order to repent of sin, Christians must define the sin(s) Biblically, and then having defined the sin Biblically, we have to find out how the Bible prescribes repentance for that particular sin.”
Accountability has been key and the Lord has brought friends along the way that have held and continue to hold my hand. There were days it was harder to stay on and others so sweet that I wished they would tarry a little longer.
Do I still get attracted to things that appeal to my flesh? YES! However, as you turn your eyes upon Jesus this things grow strangely dim. Nobody is immune to sin, especially sexual sin (whichever form). Sin, especially sexual sin, thrives in secrecy.
What is your secret?
BY Nyambura Wa Githaiga